Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Who's driving this train anyway?

Tomorrow is the last day of school! It's almost the end of May! Where has the time gone? It seems like I was just putting away the Christmas decorations. Oh, wait! I was. It seems like just yesterday I walked by the Easter decorations on the kitchen table. Oh, wait! I did! What am I going to do with that little boy all summer? If you see him sitting on the kitchen table just ignore him. I'll put him away as soon as I get to it!
It seems that I may have been too kind in my last post. Do not fear! I am not too kind! I just spent an evening reading blogs and I was feeling very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and annoyed that the autism issue is so divisive. Can't we all just get along? Apparently not. Everyone seems to be bitching and moaning and sighting this article and that site as proof of conspiracy, as proof of blame, as proof of downright stupidity. I get it. This is life and death. Quality of life versus risk of death. One bad apple, or unvaccinated child, may spoil the whole barrel. Not my backyard! It just sucks the life out of me though to read so much seething hate and name calling from both sides.
Let me make my position clear. I think that vaccinating my child, starting with Hep B on DAY ONE of his little 5 lb. 14oz. life, triggered a chain of events that would not have happened if he had not received any vaccination. I believe that vaccinating him multiple times when he was sick was dangerous. I think the pediatrician should never have vaccinated a sick child. I think the pediatrician should have known better as the literature indicates. I believe that taking a vaccine from a bolus vile that may or may not have been shaken or left in the sunlight or was almost empty thereby having some of the dangerous contents settle to the bottom was hazardous. I think that taking multiple shots on the same day is questionable. I think that combination shots are risky. I think a doctor should have put the signs together to get a quicker and better diagnosis. I believe that I should have read more, payed better attention, listened to my gut and not just blindly followed doctor's suggestions. So instead of ranting and stomping my feet and telling you what a complete fuckwit you are for not believing vaccines cause autism and the government knows it and there's all the scientific proof out there you could ever need to show that autism is not some psychological or neurological disease but an honest to goodness physical illness (which is exactly how I feel) I'll tell you how to make sure you never need to worry about it.
If I had the whole thing to do over again I would do things very differently. I would not have vaccinated my child until he was older. I would only do one at a time. I would never give a combination shot. I would make sure that he was never sick when getting vaccinated. I would make sure that he was given PROBIOTICS every time he had to take an antibiotic. The second that he lost his emerging speech a huge red flag would have gone up. The answer would not have been speech therapy. The second he developed eczema I would not have slapped some prescribed steroid cream on it. I would have had him tested for allergies CORRECTLY, and looked for the cause not the symptom. When he wasn't sleeping for hours in the middle of every night I would not have believed the pediatrician that it was normal. When he had to have enemas more often than not I would not have filled that miralax prescription but instead found a new doctor and practice so that my son was well and not merely medicated...because there is a difference, people! There would have been no psych test and IQ test. When he didn't qualify for occupational therapy, but knocked a hole in the wall and wrote on the office whiteboard with permanent marker during the testing I would have called bullshit!
What if he got autism anyway? Some people think that we can't know one way or the other because he was vaccinated. (Experiment with your own kid then...) Well, then I would have seen the signs and listened to my gut that it was not typical. I hope I would have known that not touching certain objects (grass, sand, tags, icing, textures) is wrong. Toe walking, lining toys up, bouncing and rubbing his body off things, allergies, eczema, constipation, aversion to certain foods, repeated need for antibiotics because of ear infections, lack of eye contact were not okay. I hope I wouldn't have listened to people say that boys develop slower, that speech develops slower in our family, climbing and jumping is normal for boys. When I noticed that he was like Superman with superhuman strength and no crying when he got hurt I hope I would have not just thought he was "all boy". Standing up against a wall when we played hide and seek wouldn't have been cute, it would have raised the flag that he had vision issues. When I felt that we hadn't bonded I hope that I wouldn't have let people laugh me off. I wish I would have listened to my heart when I felt something was wrong. That's what I'm saying. Pay attention because it is an epidemic and I can definitely say it's not just better diagnoses...cause that just ain't so.

Oh, it sounds like I have regrets. I have no regrets. I don't want you to ever have regrets either. Pay attention to the speed bumps! I can't do it over. This was God's plan. I feel comfort in knowing that everything that happened to us happened for a reason. We are strong people with strong character. Enough with the character already, God, geesh. Some people have made peace with their special children. I too would love to have a child with special gifts. He could hold his hand over people's heads to calm them. He could channel the prophets. He could tell me stories about his past life on Mars. Yes, there are kids out there capable of these feats. It will make the hair on your arms stand up. My child however, has a medical condition that is curable. I asked, and he can't remember his past lives. The closest he got was saying that he chose me as his mother. When I asked him why he said "because you love me so much and because you're so pretty." If I had made peace with his "specialness" I would have never heard that. I'm not judging others though. God has a plan for all of us, and my child's special gifts are just different. I'll let you know when I figure out what they are. It's not hitting the toilet, I can tell you that. Monkey is still recovering. Everyday I watch. I've learned that no one else is going to do it for me. No one can ever know him like I do.
I love that my son has started using sayings he's heard me use. (Note to self: potential minefield!!!) I now recognize that I am a complete idiot. In the car he yells "C'mon people!" when the traffic isn't moving fast enough. I heard him tell the dog "I mean business, Mister!" I laughed tonight when I told him we needed to get his jacket out of lost and found tomorrow and he said "By WE you mean ME?" I love the way he renders his action figures unconscious instead of outright death. I even love the way he got a serious look on his face after Sunday school and said "You know, God is controlling EVERYTHING."
I promised you an affirmation when my headache went away. I think it's almost gone. It was 3 day whopper! (An affirmation is an assertion that something is true and a form of prayer that focuses on a positive outcome.) Here you go:

I know there is only one Source, the Life-Principle, from which all things flow. It created the Universe and all things therein contained. I am a focal point of the Divine Presence. My mind is open and receptive. I am a free-flowing channel for harmony, beauty, guidance, wealth and the riches of the Infinite. I know that health, wealth and success are released from within and appear on the without. I am now in harmony with the infinite riches within and without, and I know these thoughts are sinking into my subconscious mind and will be reflected on the screen of space. I wish for everyone all the blessings of life. I am open and receptive to God's riches - spiritual, mental and material - and they flow to me in avalanches of abundance.

Om Namah Shivaya: I honor the Divinity that resides within me.
It's a Mystery!:
I can not seem to get these posts to space properly between paragraphs. There is uncooperation occurring between me and the computer. Sorry. It's a mystery!