Friday, May 15, 2009

Ninja Career Path

I have totally screwed up this dog. He won't quit licking me...or sitting on me...or get away from me. Ugh. We've had Indiana Bones for 3 months now. He was so cute and little and precocious when we brought him home. Now he's just obsessive and annoying mostly, and it's all my fault. I should be taking him for longer walks in the morning per Cesar. I shouldn't be letting him just jump on me or chew a bone on me any ole time he feels like it per Cesar. Monkey should not be indiscriminately yelling at Indy per Cesar. Our energy is all wrong. I'm not calm assertive. I've tried so hard, but apparently you can't hide your energy from a dog. I'm more like high strung aggressive. (I'm pretty sure I screwed up the last dog we had by having the wrong energy. Monkey is partially to blame there too...and the nutty maniacal cat we had back then, God rest her soul.) I can not tolerate the incessant licking! I can not stomach the constant neediness. I can't help but love the little guy though. He's so cute with the howling and the big ears. I'll try to do better for him. Otherwise I'm afraid we might have to have a chihuahua barbecue. I'm thinking that would probably scar my kid for life. The whole time I'm walking him though I'm thinking how I'm doing it wrong and I'd much rather be at home in the recliner watching the Today show drinking coffee. I try to be all "I'm in charge and calm", and then he sees a bird 30 feet above his head and goes ape shit. It looks so easy on tv. I'm wondering though if Cesar isn't psychic and not really a dog psychologist at all. He's mentally "Doolittling" the dogs. "Okay. I'm Cesar and you need to pretend to do exactly what I want every time I make the Psht noise. You wanna be on tv? I'll make you a star." Or what if Cesar is really a jedi, hmmm? That's definitely more plausible.

I've had a massive headache for the last 2 hours. Why, I say! It's storming now though so that must be it. "Yep. There's a storm a comin'." If my head is pounding or my knee starts creaking I know we're in for a storm. Of course, I could have just checked the tv listing. If anything good was on prime time then of course it's going to storm. These weather men are in complete collusion with the Air Force and totally screwing up my tv schedule. The weather guys get on there for hours and talk about rotation and tornado warnings and whatever other bs they can think up to mess with my tv schedule. I mean, it's all about me, right? Safety be damned! (Please God don't strike me dead with lightning or a tornado. I get it. It's important safety information...mostly.) This whole tornado alley thing is really for the birds.

It's a Mystery!
Speaking of the birds...I hate them. I'm laying in bed listening to a noise. Is it me sleep whistling through my nose? I hold my breathe to check. No. It's those fucking birds. Why are birds up all night, and what the hell are they talking about? Why my street? My window? It's a mystery! Why are they not eating those bees outside, then at least all the noise and chitter chatter would be worth it. Right now they are just asking for it. I'm planning. Waiting. Watching. I just might get my kid the water blaster he wanted. Take that, you filthy birds!

Were you a complete fool when you were little? I was. I was filling out those ridiculous "five things" thing on facebook about a bunch of banal stuff, and I remembered something. I wanted to be a ninja when I was in the eighth grade. I made myself a costume. I patrolled the woods behind my house silently. What in the hell could have possessed me? What kind of careers do ninjas ever really have?

Having a kid has also led me to remember the crazy things I believed as a child. We all have stories like this, and amazingly, it's different for everyone. I believed that there was a little man that went around at dusk and lit all the road reflectors. You know those reflectors on metal poles around curves and such? (Why little man, I don't know. Maybe it was because I had a book on gnomes.) I could never figure out how he managed to do it so quickly. It was as big a mystery to me as Santa Claus. I also believed that there were actually live bands at radio stations that played when they were cued by the djs. This is explained by the fact that I saw the whole red light outside the door thing "On Air!" on the Muppet Show. There were always tons of performers back stage at the Muppet Show so naturally the same thing was playing out at radio stations all over the country. I assumed radio stations must be massive with all the rooms filled with bands. And the one I'm pretty embarrassed about, cause I believed it for a long time, was that we lived inside the planet. This misconception came from hearing about "space windows". There was all this factual evidence that we did indeed not live inside the planet, and yet, the connection was not made in my brain. Digging for China, the most concrete of concrete evidence to a child...still no connection. Learning the names of the continents and bodies of water on the Earth's surface...nothing. I just "took it for granite". Another wonderful stupid thing I believed...granite! Snort!
I've slept in Monkey's bed the last few nights. I had a grand plan of cleaning out my closet, and then managed to just dump everything on my bed. I couldn't figure out how to proceed from there so I've just turned it into a sleepover week. "Yay, Mommy!" Now the thing about sleeping in the bed with Monkey is that he does not lay quietly. There's lots of talking in his sleep. There's lots of kicking, thrashing and punching. There's lots of giggling in his sleep, which is truly just beautiful. Sometimes when we're not having the "My bed is inaccessible sleepover" I still go in his room and lay down with him for a bit and hold his hand while he's sleeping. It's like magic when he is silent. He's easy on the eyes too. My heart just about bursts as I thank God for putting us together. The other night he yelled out "Dad! Me!" and then made the play sign which is a hold over from before he had speech. The irony is that he hasn't seen MBD in person in about 4 years. Dreaming about his dad should completely rub me the wrong way, but it doesn't. I'm glad he gets to see his dad, even if it is only in his dreams.
Unsolicited Advice!:
If you feel seperate from the Force, it is not the Force that has moved.

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