Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Two Roads Diverged

You know what I can't get enough of? Cleaning up dog vomit. It's exciting! If I can I like to start my day out with the fresh smell of enzymatic cleaner. Mmmmm.

Some days are bad. Some days are really bad. Today was somewhere in the middle. I know not all days have to fall on this small scale. Why just last month I had four days, four really good days right in a row! That is more than the last three years put together, so I know it's possible. For about five minutes I thought "Oh my God. I'm a cheerleader. I'm one of those happy people I hate. How amazingly awesome! What a shock! I didn't see this one coming!" Then it was gone just as rapidly as it had appeared. Unfortunately, this makes the days that aren't so bad suck just a little bit more. I had it! It was energy! And now I am just back to being exhausted for no reason, overwhelmed by sunlight and brought to tears by the idea that the day stretches out before me and must be endured and not enjoyed. Please don't tell me to just get over it. Will power is just not possible. Attitude and mindset I have control over, and yes, I am hopeful instead of dejected. But I am just a little bit pissed off that all the things that I would like to be able to accomplish today are just insurmountable thanks to the black wave of exhaustion. I can not turn black to white. "There is no spoon!" I was talking to another lyme sufferer today. It's like looking in a mirror. I hate it for her. I wish I could help, but all I can do is say that I get it. I get it! We are sooooo tired.

This summer is shaping up to be an odyssey of what can he think up next. This weekend it was collecting Lego Bionicles. Monkey cajoled and begged for two days to please get him just one more! He painted Bionicle pictures. He made a Bionicle movie. Which is your favorite Bionicle, Mom? Guess which one I am, Mom! The next day we were on to Thomas. Just get me the wooden track out. Just find me the cars. Just help me find this piece. I'm gonna add the plastic track. I need more batteries. The next day it was I need a box. I want a racecar that turns into a clubhouse. Can I go out in the garage? Mom, I'm gonna clear a path. Mom, I'm gonna need two more hands for this...I just made it to the ladder. Oh, Mom, I knocked the bikes over, but that was an accident. So it ends up with me in the garage building a clubhouse/racecar with a cardboard box, razor knife and masking tape at 8PM. I hate you fucking Noggin. I need a secret door. I need a fire door. There should be a dog door. Two windows above the front door. Where's the mailbox? You can't even stand up in this box. What do you need so many doors for? Tomorrow he wants me to teach him to sew. More shit I gotta drag out just so I can argue with him about cleaning it up 4 hours later. Ahhh, summer. Good times, good times.

So I have been in serious hiding for about 3 years. I didn't really interact with people and kind of lost touch with friends. Nobody wants to see you crying all the time. So as I make my way back into society I have hoped that I have changed. I left my corporate job because I had started hating who I was becoming. I hated people. People irked me. I wasn't nice anymore. I'd like to think that stepping out of my life for awhile has afforded me with a perspective not many people get the opportunity to have; not a reinvention, but a clean start. I'd like to think I have changed. Guess what! People, not so much. Still dumb as rocks. So this is where the roads diverged...what do I do now???

I swung by Headstart before swim lesson to surprise Monkey with a hair cut. Surprise! You're getting one. March, Mister! As I am reading a magazine I hear someone talking behind me. Old lady is there with even older lady who turns out to be her mother. Talking to strangers with whom I have not initiated conversation is gonna make my neck hurt. Please don't be talking to me.

Old Lady: "So how old is he?"

Me: "He's 6."

OL: "Before you know it he'll be in high school."

Me: "I know, but this summer every day feels like forever."

OL: "Is he your only one?"

Me: Snort. "Yes."

OL: "I only had one too. It was selfish. They get lonely."

Me: "I know." Stop right there.

OL: "You'll end up playing with him all the time."

Me: "Yep. I do. I know." Eye twitch.

OL: "Hasn't he asked you for more yet? A brother or a sister?"

Me: "Yes. I got him a dog."

OL: Tight-lipped smirk.

Me: "I explained that he would only get half of what he has now. His toys would have to be divided. He's with me on this one. It's not worth it." Shut up.

OL: "They have to learn to share. They just have to...not be selfish."

Me: "Yep. I was an only child and I'm perfectly fine with it."

OL: "Well, I still think it's selfish." Dumb as a bag of hammers. Shut it.

Me: "I have syphilis. I hear that it's a bad idea to have more kids."

Okay, I didn't really say that, but I should have.

Me: "Well, since I'm not living on a farm and have no need of many kids to milk the cows and build fences and take care of the little ones I think I'll just stick with one. I met my quota. Biological imperative met."

Okay. I didn't say that either. But I thought it.

Me: "Oh, I'd love to have more! But no husband and no job! I live with my mother. Autism and lyme disease. Why risk it so HE HAS A PLAYMATE? Oh, but yeah, more kids. My dream. I'd hate to be thought of as selfish. And if he even ever suggests it, like your lonely douchebag of a kid, when he's older and saying he wishes he had a brother I will beat him with a tire iron." Smile.

So do I hate myself for hating her? Do I just hate her? I'm just gonna say "Bless her heart" which is Southern code for "Fuck you, whack job." Yeah, I can live with that. Is that the road less traveled? I'm too tired to worry about it. Why do you think Frost spent so much time writing? People are tools. Stupid metaphors.

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