Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dream a little dream of martyrdom

So the holiday weekend has come and gone. It was really just more of the same except there was macaroni salad. Schools been out now for five days and Monkey is B-O-R-E-D. I'm sure I am clinically insane at this point after hearing my name called a gazillion times and the incessant talking. Not like the drip of a faucet talking, but more like the Niagara Falls of talking. It's been raining and I've been lacking the energy to get out. So here we sit in our pajamas with me feigning deafness and Monkey claiming that "I can't find it!", "I need help!", "More juice!". We did go to WalMart this weekend, but after that 2 hour trip to Dante's Inferno I've decided to just become a recluse...again. "DING! Fourth Level: breast feeding right next to your kid, wild goose chase for Instant Breakfast and pepperoni that was never available anyway. DING! Fifth Level: crazy librarian lady buying $550.00 in gift cards in five dollar increments in front of you in line for 20 minutes you'll never get back, trapped in toy section deciding between one of four Bionicles with spoiled kid near tears. Thanks for shopping Hell".

I'm not sure if it's the weather or some strange electrical field passing under our house, but the dreams are getting interesting. The other night I dreamed I was planning a party for Bill Clinton and the only weekend he could do it was the weekend I was leaving for a visit to Pennsylvania. Last night I dreamed I was helping John Cusack market his new fragrance, "Ace". He was like, "I know it's a dorky name, but I like it." Damn, I'm busy with work and famous people in my sleep. I heard Monkey say in his sleep "Two dogs...new shirts...". (I know he was dreaming because there is no way in hell we're adding another dog into the mix.)

There is so much around here that needs to be accomplished, but once again I am so exhausted. I'm praying for energy left and right. I put light bulbs in the impossible to reach fixtures today and changed some batteries, and even that was tiring. The power went out for a few minutes this weekend, and now I really need to reset the clocks. It's a half an hour ago in the kitchen, 12:30 perpetually in the den and five minutes from now in Neenie's room. I hate doing math just to figure out what time it is. Like it matters. WHAT-ever. Exhaustion sucks.

I really wish I could round this kid up to help me some. He's like Hansel and Gretel with the toys...and anything he touches. "Oh, look. A koozie. Let me set it beside the computer. Look! The Bissel. I'll put that right here in the middle of the living room. A blanket and pillow. Let me move them to the hallway and stairs....there's not enough to crap to step over in there." Everything he touches must be transported to a new location. I'm tired of this scavenger hunt/maze like lifestyle. My hips hurt from stepping over things. He did make a "chore list" but it only lasted three days.

Here's the list to "earn money". At this point the actual terms of the contract have yet to be negotiated. Picture of contract above. Let's discuss the list:

1) TAKE ThE TASh: [Take out the trash] Trouble carrying backpack from car to house 15 feet. Wondering how large trash bag will make it outside into dumpster and to curb.

2) TAKE A BATh: [Take a bath] Can not distinguish shampoo from soap. Doesn't like to get hair wet. Quantity may be able to be accomplished, but quality is in question. This looks like a freebee as it happens ANYWAY.

3) GiT mi on BeFiCT: [Get my own breakfast] Can not work toaster or microwave. Does not know which door is the refrigerator and which is the freezer. Hates eating. Only gets up 30 minutes before school. Would take him 2 hours just to remember to have breakfast.

4) TAKE ThE DOG: [Take out the dog to pee] Can't work leash to put on dog's collar. Can't get dog to come because said dog is afraid of him. Not allowed to go outside alone.

5) RED A BOK: [Read a book everyday] This one is doable and may eventually help with the spelling!

6) GiT ThE MEL: [Get the mail] Has request a step be installed at mailbox so he can reach into it. Not gonna happen.

7) TAKE A nAP: [Take a nap] Good idea! When can I get paid for this chore? Hasn't napped in months. Apparently, this constitutes a chore to a 6 yr old. Although, some days I would pay for this to happen.

Feel free to submit ideas. I'm not paying more than $5.00 a week. Notice nowhere does it mention pick up his own toys or to quit peeing on the seat.
Today Monkey told me that, and I quote, "It's my life. It's my room. I'm the boss." Something has gone terribly wrong in this house. Someone wants to have a Come to Jesus meeting. Let me go get my can of Whoop-Ass...as soon as I'm done napping.

I'm sorry I'm tired today. I'm sorry I am not accomplishing anything. I just want to lay down. I'm overwhelmed. I hate being sick. It's totally inconvenient. Maybe if I fall asleep Steven Segal will show up and help me diffuse the bomb strapped to the engine of this crazy train. Xanax, take me away.
Unsolicited Advice!:
"One's attitude toward one's self is the single most important factor in healing or staying well."
Ummm...Yeah, yeah. I know. Bite me.
"When we choose to love, healing energy is released in our bodies. Energy itself is loving and intelligent and available to all of us."
Ummm...Translation: Do not duct tape your child's mouth shut or stomp on him in a fit of anger.
"Life can only be understood backward, but must be lived forward."
Ummm...Goddamn Kierkegaard. What an asshole.

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