Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Symptoms Shmimtoms

I've created my own list of symptoms of Lyme Disease just in case you were wondering if you are a parasitic host.

You might have lyme disease if:

...The dining room chandelier has 14 lights but only 6 of them actually have working bulbs.

...You find yourself saying things like "But I just cleaned the toilet last month. How is there mold growing in there already?"

...When you ask someone to hand you a granola bar you say "Can you hand me a...one of those...ummm...rectangle thingees in a shiny silver package with that Quaker guy on the front? You know, you eat them."

...Your neighbors hate you because you are a complete season behind with your outdoor decorations.

...The neighbors keep suggesting home improvements about the roof and the yard, and then they offer to help. "Oh, it's no trouble."

...Everything you mail has to be overnighted because it's already late.

...You're drinking out of bowls because all the cups are on the passenger side floor of your car.

...All of your doctors are old with white hair and glasses, and they all insist your fine. "That'll be $250.00 please."

...Undergarments are only worn if you have to leave the house.

...Lifting your arms above your head, looking behind or under things results in severe pain somewhere.

...All of your voice mails start with "I am trying to contact ****. If you are not ****, then please hang up."

...Sunlight makes you cry.

...Vacation is just way too complicated.

...Your son claims to have discovered what's wrong with you, and dubs it "the sleepiness".

...Your only meaningful friendships are Starbuck and Apollo, Denny and Alan, Jack and Kate or George and Izzy.

...You own more pajamas than any other item of clothing. You wear them outside because "they're really just plaid pants, right? Who's gonna notice?"
...you have no idea what time it is because every room has a clock with a different time.

...You never ever rotate the food a quarter turn half way through microwaving. That's just too much bullshit to go through for an enchilada.

Unsolicited Advice!:
Cesar says "Exercise, Discipline, then Affection." I am pretty sure this works on kids too. Let me know if your kid enjoys being poked in the neck as much as mine. The dog thinks I'm playing. The kid knows I mean business.

No comments:

Post a Comment