Sunday, May 10, 2009

Oldies but Goodies

I'm just now finishing up the 8th load of laundry. It's been a busy Mother's Day. Please don't think I slave away everyday like this. Some days I get absolutely nothing accomplished. Some days I take two naps. Some days I pull out all the stops and take advantage of found today. I'm still plugging along so I thought I would take this opportunity while Monkey is tucked safely into his bed to tell you some oldies but some goodies so we can get to know each other.

I haven't had a date in over 7 years. No, really, it's true. I just haven't felt like it. The last date I had resulted in Monkey. I rest my case. I'm sure I'll eventually get back out there, but getting better has been number one priority. Scratch that. It's been number two priority. Number one has been to not jump off any cliffs. Anyway, I'd like to tell you a story about being hit on. I like to think of it as a classic.

This story is from 16 years ago. I was having the entire carpet replaced in a condo I bought. Two guys came to do the 2 day job. It was hard work so I offered them drinks, got them some music and repeatedly checked on them to see if they needed anything. If they liked me, they'd do a good job, right? They did a great job! Day 3 there is a knock at my door. It's one of the carpet layers. Let's call him Rufus. Rufus has a thick Southern accent. Rufus seems to have forgotten a tool, did I find it? Well, yes, I did. Here you go. So he hem-haws around and says, "You sure were nice to us. I just wondered if you had a boyfriend." This is when I realized I had opened the door to a virtual stranger, and was alone. No, I didn't have a boyfriend. "Yes, I have a boyfriend. But thanks anyway for asking." So Rufus says, "I was gonna ask you out yesterday, but I had forgotten to put my teeth in." Then he knocks on his head and says, "I forget things sometimes since I got this metal plate in my head." What more can I possibly say about dating. I ain't ready. You can't make this shit up!

Monkey has led a sheltered life. He has no older siblings or relatives nearby. He doesn't have a dad around for me to fight with. He's so spoiled from all the toys and technology at his fingertips Dr. Phil should be kicking my ass. He hasn't heard any bad words. I completely changed my vocabulary when he started talking. I'm not being all self-righteous about this. My main reason was that I didn't want him swearing around other people thereby making me look like a bad mom. His naivety is just a bonus from me being so worried about what other people think of me. On New Years Day I took him and his little friend to this really awesome park about 30 minutes away. A 3 story monstrosity with super cool slides and climbing walls. Here are some brief snippets from conversations the kids had:

They played together all day the day before at Monkey's little friend's house where the subject of gay marriage was apparently brought up. (Hereafter he shall be referred to as MLF.) He likes MLF so much he suggested marriage which MLF (who does have an older sibling) quickly put the kibosh on. Monkey said he'd marry him anyway. He's 6. He loves boys. Normal, right? Monkey knows I can see how information is disseminated in kindergarten, and how I will have to deprogram him after every play date. I'm all for gay marriage, but I'm afraid if I tell him about it he'll be hitting on more of his friends. For Pete's sake, I don't want to get that phone call.

So we go to McDonald's. They were like wild animals when we first got there. Old people were offended.

I said, "Is this how you 2 behaved for MLF's Mom? "

M & MLF:No.

Me: Then knock it off before we get kicked out.

Monkey: From just this McDonalds?

MLF: No. All of them.

Me: Right.

So Monkey takes forever to eat. I told him MLF and I were just gonna leave without him:

Monkey: What if someone takes me?

Me: They'll bring you right back.

MLF: Well, they might. A black person maybe. Cause they don't like us sometimes. White people. Like those people. (And he points over my shoulder at some black customers.)

Me: Shhhhhhh. I'm not leaving him. Don't worry. Finish your drink.

MLF: You know you shouldn't stick your middle finger up in the air.

Monkey: What?

In the car on the way there:

MLF: Aliens are not real.

M: Yes, they are.

MLF: No, I read a book. Who's that guy that went out to space and took pictures of planets and walked and stuff?

Me: John Glenn? Neil Armstrong?

MLF: Well, he didn't see any aliens. My dad says there aren't any.

Me: Well, they haven't proven there are any. They haven't proven there aren't.

MLF: The book said NONFICTION right on the cover. (So screw you.)

Me: Well, I believe there are aliens. Everyone can believe what they like.

M: I think there are aliens.

MLF: My dad is older than you. So he knows.

Me: Oh, yeah? I don't think so.

MLF: He's 40.

Me: Well then maybe he is. I'm 38.

MLF: Wait. Maybe he's not 40. Thirty something? Maybe 48? I forget.

MLF: I'm not 5. (His birthday was 3 months away.)

M: Yes you are.

MLF: I'm BASICALLY 6. Yep. Basically 6.

M: I'm older than you.

MLF: Well, I'm faster and I weigh more.

So on the way home I finally had to forbid them from using their force powers:

Monkey: Mom, MLF won't stop choking me.(MLF is holding up his hand like Darth Vader)

MLF: Monkey, stop!(Monkey is holding up his hand.)

Honestly, they weren't touching each other but I thought they were gonna make each other cry. Good pretend play.

So far in 2 days they had covered gay marriage, racism, child abduction, the "finger" and aliens. This is what my only child is up against.
Unsolicited Advice!
"If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

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