Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Wonders Never Cease

Everyday there is something new to amaze me with this kid, with our culture and with the speed which entropy progresses. Monkey has been all business lately with everything. Legos are very serious work and he slaves for hours over designs and directions. He pores religiously over the Lego site making lists of what to get next, who has what and watching Lego movies. (Why do I keep capitalizing Lego?) He wrote his own Power Miners book that was 22 pages, 3 chapters and even had a denouement. I shit you not. It was priceless. Last line: "He did an amazing job. The End."

Today we had to run by the book store to pick up a book for my new class* that starts tomorrow. And there, in it's own display rack, were Lego books. Goddamn Lego books. You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! Two great tastes that go great together... Why must God fuck with us this way? He knows I don't have the cash to be throwing away on more Legos, and yet, there they are combined with books. We shall perish if we do not possess the entire Lego universe! I'm so sorry Dr. Phil. I am such a shit for a parent. I caved. I only got ONE Lego book, but it came with gears! We needed it! I was kicking my own ass from the back of the store to the front, and totally hating everyone. I am not in control of anything apparently. My own. Worst. Enemy. They will find my body buried in a pile of Legos at the bottom of the stairs.

Also while we were there we had to pick up a DIARY for Monkey. He is 6. He wants a diary. It has a skull on the front and a cool elastic band to keep it PRIVATE! just like Mommy's. Will this be the piece of evidence they use to strip me of my child after they read his manifesto on FOX News? He spent an hour tonight asking how to spell certain words. It's all good though cause one of them was "Anabel"...his girrrrrrrlfriennnnnnd. I'm so proud. Looks like he may turn out heterosexual after all...unless he was writing about what she was wearing. Either way, I'm fine with it. Just keep writing, Champ! PROUD!

So I signed up for Twitter today. I have no idea why. It was just something that happened. I wonder if I am being mind controlled? I knew that DVR was trouble! I signed up then I realized I really don't want to know what famous people are doing. I would like to follow my friends though cause they are always good for a laugh. If only I could actually find them. I think I'd also like to follow my favorite authors and everyone I think is funny. I just want to laugh. I checked out @dooce and @finslippy right away cause they are hysterical. Any suggestions? There was a link to TwitWit which is a contest blah blah blah, but the cool thing on TwitWit was reading the most humorous posts. ("I wish they made martini glasses in a different shape so they wouldn't spill when I ride the bus." HA!) I wish I could just follow that. I already hate myself for reading snippets of gossip on my home page. Why, oh why, must I torture myself by putting on my sheep costume? Cause it feels so good? MY Real World 2009, the internet.

Monkey has been a constant source of "dry" fodder lately. The other day he says to me "Mom, how do you know that Indy is a boy?" (Cause he lifts his leg, duh!) "Oh, wait! I know!" he says. "It's because he's nuts. Boys are nuts and girls aren't, right?" WHAT??? "That's right, honey." No I did not say that! I said, "Where did you get that idea?" after I scraped myself up off the floor and wiped the tears from my eyes. "I just know it," he replied. OMG. HE'S A DAMN GENIUS. A few hours later I thought he didn't say cause boys HAVE nuts, did he? Then later I was running the bath water for him and took a break to pee. He comes into the bathroom Au natural and says "What do you have down here?" and he points to his privates. "Ummmm. Well,..." So he says, "Hair right? But how do you pee?" I say, "Well, I already told you about the 'baby door'**, right? There's another hole near that one that pee comes out of." He could barely stand up from laughing. Like I was making it all up. He thinks I'm a riot. I can not wait to tell him this stuff when he gets older. I also can't wait to drop the bomb that he borrowed an old purse to take Legos in to his first cub scout den meeting. He also wanted to wear his "MOM" necklace he had made but I stopped him. Bwhahahahaha!

I am having the worst pain in my left hip and am having a bit of trouble walking. I can't lay or sit comfortably AGAIN. I'm still running the fever. I am so angry stomp my feet pissed off about this. When does it end? It's been 11 months on the antibiotics. I am still exhausted. WTF? I have a doctor's appointment in Mobile (4 hours away) in a few weeks. I'm interested to see what the doctor has to say about this. Calling Greg House...

*So I have been invited to join a class The Artist's Way: A 12-week Course in Discovering and Recovering your Creative Self,based on Julia Cameron’s international best-seller, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. Creativity is not the possession of a select few, but a divine spark within each of us. When we move toward our creativity, we unlock the divine in our lives. Join this Creative Cluster to experience simple, fun practices that can transform your life. Find out more about the creative cluster and how the process works: http://www.theartistsway.com/tools/creative-clusters. I am really excited to see just what this all about. Hopefully, I will be able to dampen down any anxiety I feel about having to get dressed and leave the house. I guess I should crack the book tonight and make sure the xanax prescription is filled.

**Two years ago Monkey had a teacher that was pregnant. He spent day after day speculating just how that thing was gonna get out. He was pretty sure the belly button had something to do with it. So I told him there was a door, the baby door, on girls for babies to come out. I have no problem with actually saying the word "vagina", but I don't want him lightly dropping it into conversation with his buddies over goldfish crackers and juice. It's not that I don't think he can understand the complexities of the human body because I'm sure he can. I just don't trust his discretion.

We have the goosebumps (molluscum contagiousum) on the run! He only has several spots left. We have alternated foul smelling antibacterials, antivirals and anti fungals and it has worked! The ringworm is gone too. It occurred to me that he was taking a 10 day course of antibiotics for the dog bite when the pandemic occurred. I had run out of probiotics in the middle there so he may not have been covered. That's what antibiotics will do to you! Turn you into Elepephantman Jr! Of course, I am thankful they kill dog germs too. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

After the book store we ran by the cub scout headquarters to pick up a complete uniform for Monkey (and some marbles, "for my collection, Mom!"). So $75.00 bucks later I can not get the phrase "Hitler Youth" out of my head. I mean it. I have no idea why. It must be the neckerchief. I am so sorry cub scouts for being a hater, but there is something in me that feels all wrong. I can't describe it. I know that after we have the fishing derby and build a wood race car I'll feel better about it. I think. I hope. Bringing you the leaders of tomorrow, one Montauk Project at a time. Before writing in his DIARY he ripped that uniform out of the bag and put it on. Then he said, "Can we go hiking now?" and "Mom, why don't you teach me more pledge stuff?" Wait a minute here. He wants to try on clothes and memorize stuff? Let me see your ID!

He has a new obsession with the ice age. (More books!!!) He is also formulating theories on what actually caused the dinosaurs extinction. Maybe the planet broke apart and the dinosaurs had no oxygen. That's where we got Pluto***...it was originally part of the Earth! Good one. Now prove it! Now that he knows the term "theory" I am pumping him full of pennies like a bubblegum machine to see what trickles out next. Most sentences begin with "When I'm an archaeologist...". I. LOVE. HIM.

***I can't even begin to explain whether Pluto is a planet or not to him. He keeps asking and I won't commit either way. When I was little, it was. Now, not so much. The truth is out there. "Listen, son. Our country can't agree on anything except that Kanye West is an asshole. Who knows about Pluto?"


  1. I want to point out LEGO is a brand, the building elements are called LEGO bricks. Reading the word 'Legos' is like reading the word 'sheeps' used to describe multiple sheep, or 'Chineses' to describe a group of chinese people. It grates on my sensibilities.

  2. Thank you for pointing out my error. In the future I will try to not grate upon your sensibilities, but I can't make any promises.

  3. Yet another amazing post, pal! I can't wait to hear how the class goes - you'll be the star, I'm sure :)