Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Enter The Sandman

I can't wait to see the x-ray of the spot near my right temple where my endless hacking cough has caused an aneurysm. "Look, right there it is!" I have had a cold for the past two weeks. Thanks volunteering in the school library! It's not a bad cold, just a relentless one. It's just a cough and copious amounts of mucus in huge phlegm balls. I mean, it's not even green or tinged highlighter yellow, just clear ginormous quantities of spit and snot from my lungs. I just took a bit more of the cough syrup, and will now experience another sleepless night of tossing and turning and waking up all damp and cold. Did I mention I have a fever too? Unrelated to the cold though. Total lyme flare-up or die-off, you choose because I've got no earthly idea what the hell is happening in the quantum crevices of my body. Oh, now I have your attention...

Soooo, like, I haven't written in forever. Sorry you few people who were kind enough to attempt to follow my gaseous prattling! (I had Taco Bell today in case you were wondering.) I think about writing everyday. Then I remember my life is going down hill so rapidly I really don't have the energy to document it. Who cares how depressed I am that I feel like crap daily again and am so tired that I am kind of sleeping in 3 hour shifts around the clock. I have had a fever again for a good three weeks. Low grade, as if the difference is consequencial at this point. Something is going on in there and it is tearing me up and creating utter destruction to this small social life I have attempted to build. Okay, it's really Monkey's social life I'm managing, but I was building on it, damn it.

I will recap for you our summer in case you even wondered what wacky nonsense the kid and I were engaging in in all our free time. I was out walking the dog the other night, late, around the church parking lot next to our house. It's well lit, but isolated so I frequently entertain myself with thoughts of being murdered and left for dead while I hustle the dog to do his business. Occassionally there will be a lone car parked in a dark corner. Several times it was the same dirty mini van with no license plate filled with boxes and a bible on the dash. Ominous, no? One day walking the dog the van pulled from behind the church and passed within feet of me. Creepy guy driving stuck his head out the window and said "This is my church in case you were wondering." Right. I'm sure the church lets you sleep in their parking lot occassionally. Perfectly normal. So anyway, the other night I'm walking Indy and there is a jeep parked behind the church. This is at around 10:30PM. So my thoughts of mugging and murder start up, and I realize two things. One, when they find my mangled body I will be wearing a HIGHLANDER tee shirt with a circle of historical swords on it and won't the detectives laugh hysterically? And two, I need to have a better head shot of myself so when they run my picture on the news I don't look like a complete dork. Oh, yeah...and three, no one on the internet will know what I did this summer cause I've been so slack. Gotta post something.

What We Did: the highlights

1. I solved the mystery of what the itching leg was all about! Priceless! It was effing SHINGLES. Good Lord, do wonders never cease? I got shingles. It wasn't as bad as it could have been I suppose, but it was no picnic either. Shingles: Herpes zoster (shingles) is a painful, blistering skin rash due to acute infection with the varicella-zoster virus, the virus that causes chickenpox. Herpes zoster may affect any age group, but it is much more common in adults over 60 years old, in children who had chickenpox before the age of one year, and in individuals whose immune system is weakened. Well, imagine that. My immune system is weakened? Nooooooooo, not me! At least, the scars will always be a nice conversation starter. The active shingle thingee finally did go away, and only occasionally do I get the phantom itching. I guess I'm lucky. Yes, lucky ole me! And when I got better...

2. I had a secret yard sale! I got Monkey's friend to let him stay the night and the next day while he was at YMCA camp (canoeing, roasting marshmallows and swimming) I attempted to sell a bunch of his toys he was having separation issues with. So after the ad in the paper and license, (yes, we're serious here in Bama about our yard sales and the law) I made about $25.00. Totally not worth it. I wasn't TIRED AT ALL (snort), and it was the day before we left for...

3. Our trip to Pennsylvania! 15 hours in the car with dog and kid. Staying with family! Visiting long lost friends thanks to facebook! Parties for my business. It was the best three weeks of the summer...if you don't include the trip up or the trip home. Monkey did better in the car than usual. By that I mean that he didn't talk my leg off the whole entire time. I made him listen to books on tape (which he did talk through), and play nintendo ds and watch movies. The dog had a few bouts of howling his head off for no apparent reason. Although, we did discover the reason was that his chew bone had fallen out of the cage, and Monkey's all "I have no idea what's wrong with him because I might have to turn my head or feel around with my hand on the floor and that would be tragic."

Suffice it to say I really love my friends from high school. High school may have really sucked, but I did a good job of picking my friends. Shout out, Altoona! My family was awesome too. Monkey got to spend lots of time with my cousin's kids and I painted a camping/outdoorsy mural for my cousin's new baby. We went fishing on the boat with my dad. Indy got to play with Pop and Nana's new dog, Bailey, the entire time. There was swimming and family dinners and Grand Nana and meeting my cousin's fiance. Fun! I even went to church with a friend which pretty much means we've come full circle from 20 years ago, and I couldn't be happier about it.

My dad took Monkey to numerous yard sales while we were there. He has talked endlessly about having his own now, and did make a small attempt in my dad's garage. The irony!

The only thing not so great about the trip was that Monkey didn't really get to spend any time with his cousins. My step brother and wife kind of hate me. Long story. It's not really fair to talk about it here cause they aren't here to defend themselves. Let's just say I'm not patriotic enough. So not asking my son to spend any time with their kids seems kind of low. He's patriotic! I hope that in the future Monkey will get to spend some time with the kids because they are great kids and he and I love them.

3. So my birthday was in August. 39 years old. It was a really nice day of doing nothing, my favorite, and perusing facebook for birthday wishes...which was really uplifting. I did get some money as gifts this year. It was a whole $300.00 smackers that I should have put to bills or therapy or something productive, but there was the "get yourself something nice" thing. So I did, and suffered tons of guilt. Which leads me to...

4. MY NEW iPHONE!!!! That's right! I rock. I am mobile. I am jacked in ALL THE TIME. I have gone over to the dark side willingly and with a smile on my face. I don't care if the EMF kills me. Next thing you know I'll be getting a chipped passport I'm feeling so crazy! I'm practically a Sith Apprentice! The guilt kicks in right about...

5. When I found out the deductible at the emergency room was gonna be $300.00. Oh God, you so crazy messin wit me like this! We went to movie night at a friend's house, and just as we were about to leave Monkey scared their dog and got a bite above his lip. It was a misunderstanding between the two of know, dog sleeping wakes up with 6 year old boy on his face. So we call Neenie and pick her up on the way to Children's hospital at 10:00PM on a Saturday night. I've got LOADS to say about this little odyssey as you can imagine. But for now let me just say he got the stitches (2), he didn't have to get a shot (although they begged and cajoled) and he's healed up nicely. We got home around 5 fucking AM. Did I mention I had just dropped cash on a new shirt for his school picture which was 4 days later? Oh God, you so crazy! My guilt was sort of abated when our friends covered the deductible which was way above and beyond. Thank you! Which brings me to...

6. First grade! School here in Alabama starts way too damn early. August 11Th. Monkey is loving it, and has met his soul mate (she doesn't know it yet) in the very next seat. Oh, she's a beauty. He woke me up at 3AM Friday night to tell me he missed Anabel. He woke me at 5AM Saturday to tell me he missed Anabel. He's got it so bad he said he'll be drawing a hundred pictures of her. We've only got one on the fridge right now. Men! His mouth is already writing checks his ass can't cash.

I got him a new pair of Keen sandals cause they have to be able to wear them for gym. I thought it would be as close as we could get to his favorite crocs. After a few days it became apparent that we had to order a new pair of Keen sneakers because he doesn't like the bark from the playground getting in his shoes. If I said "sissy" right now, would you hate me?

So the cub scouts made the rounds the first week and totally sold my kid that he HAD TO BE a cub scout. They promised a fishing lure so it had to be totally worth the $100.00 bucks up front, right? So, yes, I caved and he's "offisal!" I do have to say though that I am not pleased with all the pledging and uniform neckerchief, etc. I just am wary of indoctrinating the youth. He's too young to really grasp it all. But what the hell, I've gone over to the dark side already. Welcome to the cult! I know, this should be good for little boys right? Don't hate me cause I want to protect my kid from EVERYTHING...and I really don't want to be a cub scout myself. First graders must have their adult present at all times. So I'm fishing, I'm camping, I'm making a flag and spirit something or others...but I get no badges. I demand a heavy lifting badge! Speaking of heavy lifting...

7. I am spending way too much time talking about Legos, reading about Legos, tripping on Legos, and going to the Lego store. Thanks Lego for opening your Birmingham Coven. We'll be worshipping there often. Damn you, and your not having the Batman Legos Monkey NEEDS immediately yesterday right now! Bastards!

So that about sums it up. We did some other fun stuff, Monkey finally learned to swim and is pretty good at it (he doesn't drown) and I'm sick again. Monkey's dad is 8 months behind in the child support and counting. Please say a nice prayer for him that he gets his shit together.

I wish I had some Unsolicited Advice to give you, but the only thing that comes to mind is to watch out for the Gatorade. It's like crack to a 6 year old. As far as It's a Mystery goes, the only one I have right now is how I am managing to survive everyday stepping over more piles of crap, coughing my brains out and not just setting the whole place on fire.

Peace out!

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