Sunday, September 20, 2009

Let's Dance

I wasn't planning on writing today, but it seems no one is really sharing on facebook or Twitter, so here I am. I planned to write yesterday and the day before that, but...isn't it funny how things work out? What? Not so much? Okey dokey.

I spent the entire (minus nap) day helping Monkey finish some work for school. Yes, he's in first grade. No, it's not homework per-say. He is the Star Student this week which requires him to bring in a poster board full of interesting things about himself to share with the class. Thank you computer for making sure I never print out pictures. Thank you Monkey for insisting we print out all manner of internet Lego fodder. So guess what. No pictures. No ink. Nada. I have to pull on some clothes and run out to Staples to get ink. I get ink. Two BLACK cartridges. Fantastic. I'm a full fledged genius today. (I blame the bored people at Staples for letting me do something so obviously WRONG!) So his pictures are all tinged a bit purple and dark. Let's call it "art". Very Andy Warhol. I thought it turned out pretty good. He wanted to make sure Anabel would like it. Awwwww.

I made him do all the captions. You would think it would be enjoyable since he is constantly writing something, but not so much. It interfered with his being a knight. He had to remove his gloves and helmet. (Didn't see that coming, did ya?) Oh, the injustice! I love hearing him sound words out so he can spell them. He is doing so well. As a child I absolutely refused to learn to read until after first grade and I wrote all my letters backwards. He is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was, and I made it to the gifted program. So there is hope for him yet. I give thanks for all the wonderful teachers he's had. They have truly set him up to succeed, and I thank them!

Putting together the poster made me feel pretty good. Not the part about accidentally almost chopping off my finger with the paper cutter, but the part where it looks like Monkey has actually had a pretty busy life. It's been hard getting out and doing things. But we have done it! I can't say I enjoyed everything because I was usually tired or sick and just dragging myself by my fingernails. When he grows up though he will have tons to look back on and know in his heart that I didn't drop the ball. I've done some stupid things in my life, but I make sure I have not one regret when it comes to Monkey.

Something I want to mention...Flu shots. I don't get it. I just don't get it. It makes me feel all sick inside thinking about it. Do your research, people!

I read some pretty disturbing things this week. I follow the blog Dooce. I really enjoy it. Apparently though not everyone does. She and her husband added a new page to the site called "monetize the hate". It is pages full of the mean things people write to her. I think it's genius that they tried to make something positive from such utter soul-shattering crap. I am in awe of the stuff people will say when they are not looking you in the face. I don't understand why people are reading the blog when they feel so negative about it. I don't understand why they feel the need to comment and be so down right nasty. People are amazing, and it goes both ways. On Twitter I follow Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra and Corey Booker. They spend oodles of time just sending positive thoughts out to the net. It is so uplifting. Why some people choose not to uplift their fellow man but to instead degrade and belittle, demean and disparage is such a mystery! I mean, I could probably psychoanalyze those douchebags, but why bother?

It did make me feel apprehensive about blogging. I had to question my own motives. I also had to be sure I didn't walk on eggshells. What is the point of me writing if I fear people reading it? I want to connect with people. I want to be involved in a community where we can say to each other "I understand". If we hide who we are then who are we really? I got a comment informing I was using the term "Legos" improperly. Did I get my feelings hurt? Did I feel stupid? Ummmm, yep. I'm a big softie. But I'm sure that is probably just the first in a long line of critiques. And that's okay. I'm not writing a paper on 16Th century pirates. There is no real factual reporting going on. This is just my life as I see it. I'm not trying to be famous. I'm not even trying to get published. I am just trying to connect with other people. Maybe I will make them laugh. Maybe I'll feel a bit better for being brave and putting myself out there. Who knows. I'm sure whatever happens it will surprise me. There will be typos. There will be improper use of words. I will say the f-word. I will punctuate incorrectly.
I did not have the pleasure of finishing college. As a matter of fact, I failed my first English class. I claim this is not because I am stupid or unteachable or lazy, but because I was sick and tired all the time then too. I could not function. I forgave myself for this. Life never turns out how you expected it to. AND THAT'S OK. God has me right where he wants me. I'm okay with that. I know I'm smart. I'm happy for others who did get degrees. I am not jealous. My health and mental well being just wasn't compatible with that. I chose to go from an A to an F in English because I couldn't write the research paper on suicide in women in the 1800's. Since I was suicidal at the time I just couldn't face it. I decided to not dip my toe in that pond. I got an F (from an A) in a ballet class because we had to perform alone in front of the class as a final, and I chose not to. NO THANK YOU. I was terrified and over weight (for the first time in my life) and I didn't at that point have the gumption to do it. Certainly now I think things would be different. I know who I am...mostly. I know my limits, and I know when I NEED to move outside my comfort zone to achieve something positive for my growth. I also know that Xanax really helps. Lyme is neurological along with physical. So a lot of that wacky stuff going on up in my head is not real. After years and years I can kind of tell the difference between reasonable and crazy talk. Not having my college degree does not make me feel any less of a person. As a matter of a fact, the three businesses I have owned, the corporate job I had and the stuff I am doing presently have really made me well rounded (I think) in a way that college may not have. Who knows? It's really not important. And it only took me ten years to figure that out.

Oh, boy. You are dying to be my friend! I knew it. Well, I'll try to fit you in. If you don't mind that I spend half my life napping with an ice bag strewn across my face we might be able to work something out. I'm almost 40! One more year! I have a fantastic kid! I have a great mother. I'm so blessed. We have a nice place to live and clothes and food and cable and internet. We have power and water and money left over to buy books or a bicycle if we so choose. I got an iPhone. I am rich by any one's standards. I am by my own, at least.
Footloose: I just don't know that I believe in everything you believe in. But I believe in you.
Let's Dance!

1 comment:

  1. You make me laugh. I understand. Keep writing. You have gone ABOVE and BEYOND as a mother. Monkey is BLESSED. I am blessed to know you. Sharing and being transparent is a gift, one that I haven't mastered yet. KEEP IT UP. You think you have been wasting years.......OH NO you haven't and you are correct, God has your RIGHT WHERE he wants you. Just look at Monkey's STAR board today and realize how much YOU HAVE accomplished and will continue to! Love you

    P.S. How can you use the word Lego wrong? Whatever.