Out of Pocket

Oh, my friends, it's been too long. Sorry about that. It's been a month since I spilled this radioactive waste in my head out into the Internet. This has been the busiest month I've had in years...literally. I had to get the house cleaned to have a party to start my business, and that was like cleaning up 4 years of dust and dirt I've been turning a blind eye to. Since I usually only get several hours a day that I can function optimally, it took forever. I was so nervous I thought I should just go find a tall bridge...then I looked around and realized I was sitting beside super glue, nail polish remover and an open flame and I got a grip pretty quick. Then there was the time I needed to recover from the cleaning and party. With Monkey home from school it's been chaotic trying to entertain him endlessly (or hide) so that the whining will stop for a few minutes. Damn Wii ball and chain.

Let's recap:

1. Swim lessons! Monkey is STILL taking the swim lessons at the Y. He started with 6 in May and he should have been done before school was out. The weather was stormy though alot of afternoons so we've been rescheduling alot. One consequence of that was that our teacher was accidentally double booked. No big deal, right? No one's on fire, the world is not going to end because of a 30 minute mix-up. Well, the other mom, let's call her "Medusa", tried to extract a pound of flesh from our teacher. I sat and watched this little wiry white woman fold our big black dreadlocked swim teacher into an origami box. I don't think her kid ever got his lesson cause she was bitching for so long, and the rest of the time the teacher was wringing his hands being paralyzed by indecision about how to placate her. I was like, "Monkey! Free swim time! Cool!" So we signed up for more lessons...

2. Reading Binge! I've been reading alot again. I shouldn't have done it. I pick up a book and I am transported out of this place, and I have an awful time dragging myself home. I read one of those Sookie Stackhouse novels, and then I had to read them all. They weren't even that good, but I couldn't stop till I got the whole story. No offense to Charlaine Harris. I mean, I would never take issue with someone's writing considering they actually wrote something. In and of itself, writing an entire novel is amazing and very impressive to me.

3. Car trouble! Burnt valve. Sound serious? Sound about $2500.00 serious? Like, twice the actual value of my car? Well, crap. That was an entire week of worry. My poor "Birdy". She was a pretty little Volvo wagon I've had since Monkey was 5 months old. She was paid for too. Bummer. Anyway, we got a new car. "Rocko", is a 2005 Volvo SUV. He's like a short muscular guy with no neck. Not alot of room inside it seems cause there's so much leather and seating, but big on the outside. Monkey and I miss the boxiness of our old car, but we love actually being able to go places. Monkey said that when we take our trip to Pennsylvania this summer he won't even need a suitcase. "Look, I've got these secret compartments!" (Yes, two compartments in the very back smaller than shoe boxes!) I took it to the bank tonight and let Indy ride along. He slides right across that leather like it was greased if you turn too quick. Oops.

4. Painting! What the hell has gotten into me? I've been on a painting kick too. Tables, canvases, anything that doesn't move I've been painting. When I sit down I need to do so with a notebook so I can draw because my hand wants to feel like it's painting. It's like my brain has stored up thoughts and images my entire life and someone just turned the printer on. I gotta figure out what to do with all this artwork. It's been nice though feeling passionate about something. Monkey paints with me too. This is not conducive to actually accomplishing much painting, but I chalk it up to quality time and pat myself on the back. I have a hard time expressing in an "I'm-not -completely-nuts" way how much I love color. I could stand and look at bedspreads and placemats at Target forever. I feel like aesthetics is a sixth sense. Painting is like food the way I hunger for it, and it fills me up. Eye candy!

5. New job for Neenie! Mom got a new job and quit the old one. She's been off all week. Lot's of sleeping going on trying to recharge her batteries. Change is never easy and often scary. I will say more about this in (cryptic) detail later because I would love to expound on what huge assholes some corporate people are, but how wonderful the little people in the trenches are. Good for you, Neenie! It's still sad though cause she worked with really nice people that will be missed.

6. Newsweek! I hate you. You are so stupid. So there.

It's a Mystery!:

7. Autism! After school was over things started to go down hill for Monkey. He was whiny. He was unhappy all the time which is very unlike his normal happy-go-lucky demeanor. He refused to eat much at all. He looked sick. Neenie noticed it too. He was uncontrollable. He was not listening. He was misbehaving. He reverted to his animal tourrets behavior around grown ups. His speech was really poor too with complete sounds and letters missing from words. It was like we had taken two huge steps forward this year and now we had taken a step back. I worried that maybe it was swimming. Spending time in the chlorinated water is a complication for someone that doesn't detoxify as well as the rest of us. So we decided it's time to reevaluate what's worked and get a new game plan. He's plateaued. I've heard there is a doctor in town that does neurobiofeedback with autistic kids. I've called her, and I am waiting to hear about it. (Does anyone have any experience with this?) I'd like to go back and do more sensory therapy, but it is so outrageously expensive we are waiting. I'm just praying up a storm over this. It's so hard spending time with him knowing that something is not right and feeling helpless. He's been at Lego Robotics camp all week, and I've been twisted in knots fretting about how he's interacting with the other kids. But really, it's legos and all kids are goofy.

8. Lyme! Goddamn lyme. Be careful what you wish for! I spent a month saying that I was having no improvement from the 7th month of antibiotics, but no die-off either. Then, boom! Fevers. Mystery itching. Exhaustion like a ton of bricks. It's like an episode of House in my brain. If I didn't know what was wrong I would be saying "What the hell is wrong with me? I feel awful." It started about 7 days ago as an itch on my left thigh. (My left side is where all the problems are.) Then there were broken blood vessels and petechiae under the skin. Then it moved to the inside of my leg. There was no rash. No heat. It's a mystery! I can not accurately describe the feeling. It's like my leg is numb, but hypersensitive. It's worked it's way down to my knee and up to my hip. I'm terrified I'm gonna wake up and not be able to walk. It hurts to be touched and once again I can't sit or lie comfortably. It's not the muscle or my joints. It just effing hurts. I hope there is just a huge die-off happening in there and that stuff is working it's way out. I'm kind of half-expecting an alien baby to pop out of my leg. Today, there is a raised rash. I've consulted the nurse (Neenie), and she concurs it's not scabies or poison ivy or blood clots or shingles or anything like that. What the hell though? I've heard the recovery from Lyme is like peeling an onion. That you go back through your symptoms reverse order as die-off occurs. My hip and left leg were some of the first symptoms I had 25+ years ago. So, good, right? Well, it doesn't make it any easier I can tell you. I'm surviving.

So I don't want to bore you with a thesis of the roller coaster shit storm of June, and Xanax is whispering in my ear that's it's time for bed. I missed you, Internet. Let's do lunch real soon, k?

Unsolicited Advice!:

This was a really nice poem that was in one of the cards she got from work, and I'd like to share it with you.

Giving Up and Letting Go

Giving up implies a struggle, Letting go implies a partnership.

Giving up dreads the future, Letting go looks forward to the future.

Giving up lives out of fear, Letting go lives out of grace and trust.

Giving up is defeat, Letting go is victory.

Giving up is yielding control to powers beyond myself, Letting go is choosing to yield to forces within myself.